THE Maidstoneisaurus is a handy guide to 'Stone related terminology.
Ancient Roman Road between Maidstone and High Halden. The twisting section
from Headcorn onwards is popular with sales reps in BMWs and
Audi-driving insurance brokers who make the entirely reasonable
decision to overtake on blind bends in the interest of getting to
Tenterden 30 seconds earlier than they otherwise would have done.
Term used by footballers, generally
under the age of 21, to describe a fellow professional who has
performed at a significantly better than adequate level.
Substance that excites significant numbers of non-league
football fans who then write riveting blogs about the number of pints
they have consumed before, during and after matches.
went to a football match today and before the game I had a pint of
beer! In a public house! It was a traditional brew called Bishop's
Ringpiece! None of that lager rubbish!"
Woman who drives an expensive German car her husband
hasn't paid for, becomes irate when the free coffee machine in
Waitrose isn't working and devotes much of the rest of her time to
making her children's teachers' lives a living Hades.
ATHLETIC GROUND, THE
Erstwhile home of Maidstone United FC, now site of
retail complex which stands as a tribute to the vision and leadership
of former club chairman Jim Thompson and the civic leaders of
Maidstone circa 1988.
NEW! AUGUSTINE, SAINT
"Love thy neighbour!" said Saint Augustine.
"Get off my fucking land!" said the Academy bearing his name, to its neighbours.
NEW! AUGUSTINE'S ACADEMY, SAINT
Rebranded name for the old Astro Fever school in Oakwood Park, a de facto
public open space used peacefully by local residents for several
decades until "the authorities" decided that the best way
of dealing with the litter produced by its own students was to spend
£40,000 on the kind of fence more commonly associated with secure
facilities on the Isle of Sheppey.
Term to describe sledging directed at opposition goalkeeper from Town End.
See also: Abuse.
Term used by estate agents to describe Fant.
Ancient woodland heroically sacrificed by Eric Pickles to make way for a quarry.
The town of Maidstone is honoured to host Europe's leading expert in the field of policework, Ann Barnes, at her HQ in the Sutton Road.
Unfairly pilloried for her appearance in a narrow and sensationalist Channel 4 Documentary, Ann is now concentrating on what she does best - inspiring rank and file officers with pithy motivational speeches that sometimes last as little as three hours.
Under Ann the outdated concept of devoting time to chasing rapists and drug dealers has been replaced with a thrusting new ideas to tackle crime, like parking mobile police vans in supermarket car parks where officers can "have a chat" with local residents.
Suburb of Maidstone where certain locals become indignant if anyone uses the pronunciation "Bear-stead" and insist it should be "Beer-stead" a stance somewhat undermined by the logo of the village golf club, which contains a bear and the logo of the village football club, which contains a bear.
The correct riposte to anyone who says: "It's Beersted, not Barested," is of course, "Fuck off."
BIG BRIT, THE
Affectionate nickname for Aberdeen-born Maidstone resident Steve Watt, who like his compatriot Andy Murray made a timely intervention in the Scottish Independence debate on the morning of the vote, but who, unlike the SNP candidate for Stoke D'Abernon, backed a winner. Imposing centre-half and sometime auxilliary centre-forward also known for his constructive and ongoing dialogues with match officials.
BLACKMORE, CLLR ANNABELLE
Affectionately nicknamed "Clayton", La Blackmore made stand worthy of Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King early in her career when she bravely faced down calls for her resignation as a councillor, after it emerged she was representing her Marden constituency from her house in Bermuda.
Clayton rode out the storm, moved home and is now the leader of Maidstone Borough Council. Cheers!
BLUE BELL HILL
Gateway to hell.
Term used by estate agents to describe Park Wood.
Tenet of Hinduism, a vow of celibacy as observed by Mahatma Gandhi. This
impossible-sounding task is rendered achievable by a walk down Week
"BRAHV" or "BRUV"
Collegiate term of endearment used by educationally subnormal yoofs.
Lovingly tended public open space named after Julius Brenchley a 19th century explorer educated at MGS who sailed the
South Seas. Brenchley encountered tribes previously untouched by civilisation although they were still significantly more evolved than many of the species found in the gardens that bear his name on an average Sunday.
Newly-opened public house where distressed looking female bar staff try to mollify
munting old leches twice their age while pouring them alcohol.
BRILLIANT ONE, THE
Nickname for Alex Brown, referring to his habit of using aforementioned adjective on multiple
occasions in interviews rather than his undoubted qualities as an "absolute baller".
See Hindle, Cllr Jeremy.
CHARCOAL GRILL, THE
Fabled Tonbridge Road eatery, purveyor of five-star grilled meat produce and burger sauce. Plastic Passion rating: Five stars.
Suburb of Woolwich erroneously believed to be part of Kent by news organisations such as the BBC.
Architectural inspiration for the Peach Trees residential complex in the film Dredd.
Area of Maidstone town centre between bus station and Iceland in the Chequers Centre with the densest concentration of tattooed, nasally-pierced, 28-year-old grandparents.
CHRIS SMALLING JOKE, THE
Cracked simultaneously by anything up to a hundred of the finest Manchester United supporting minds in the country - and
there's some pretty thick competition there we're sure you'll agree - whenever Chris Smalling oes something indifferent in a high-profile game. The gist of the joke is this: "Smalling isn't good enough for the Maidstone United first team, let alone the Manchester United first team!!! LOL!!! PMSLF!! LMFAO!!!!"
During the other United's 1-0 defeat at Manchester City "The Chris Smalling Joke"
was cracked by a record number of Twittermancs, some of whom wondered if we might want him back, for free. Why not? That's what Fulham paid us for him.
Phenomenally gifted Italian striker who can play as both a classic number 10 and as a trequartista. Despite being Maidstone's most technically capable attacker in a generation, Collina's workrate is occasionally questioned by the sheißegibbonen in the main stand, a baseless and xenophobic accusation by those jealous of his latin style and flair.
COUNCIL, MAIDSTONE BOROUGH
Entity instrumental in returning to Maidstone United to the County Town after just 24 years.
Section of terracing at erstwhile Athletic Ground, home to self-styled "wags" who amused each other endlessly by shouting "you're shit Joyce!" or "play the way you're facing Maidstone!" Spiritual forebear of the Main Stand at JWW.
Suburb of Erith, south-east London.
DICKOV, ST. PAUL
Scorer of the greatest goal ever score by anyone not wearing a Maidstone shirt.
The absence of a Dickov statue outside JWW remains a mystery.
Friendly club, based on the French coast, prospering under the quicksilver mind of "Uncle" Jim Parmenter.
DOWNS MAIL, THE
Cutting edge local publication that sets the standards for all regional media outlets to
follow. Consistently uncovers scoops its rivals miss, eg: "FANT MAN WINS APPEAL AGAINST TICKET FOR PARKING IN LOADING BAY" and "DOG RETURNS STICK THROWN AWAY BY OWNER ON PENENDEN HEATH."
Club who forgot to change their name back to Gravesend & Northfleet. Previously run by Europe's top football administrator, Peter Varney (see below).
Pleasant pagan hamlet in the rolling hills South West Kent which offers tourists an insight into what humanity would have been like had the Enlightenment, the Renaissance and the invention of the light bulb never happened.
Every year on November 5 the villagers, some of whom even have their own teeth, make an annual gesture of appeasement to their gods by burning an effigy of a leading celebrity.
It's just a bit of fun and anyone who fails to realise this will be (a) accused of having no sense of humour and (b) ritually sacrificed in a burning wicker funeral pyre.
Crusading former editor of the Kent Messenger and Maidstone Star who reacted to Maidstone United's collapse in 1992 by
successfully reinventing himself as a Gillingham supporter. Subsequently wrote columns in which the first person plural was used to describe the anguish caused by Gillingham's 1999 play-off defeat.
"We were so close ..."
Later overheard in conversation with Paul Alcock (of Chequers Centre and Paolo DiCanio fame) saying
"What I can't understand is these people who change their teams."
Residential area of west Maidstone where local by-laws require residents to cover all pavements in dogshit.
FOOTBALL LADS ALLIANCE
Grievance-manufacturing gammon cunts.
Throughfare where pedestrians are advised against making eye-contact with fellow pedestrians, particularly at chucking out time at the "Palace of Shame".
GARDEN OF ENGLAND
Soon-to-redundant euphemism for the county of Kent, gradually being phased out and replaced by the term "Car Park of London".
Tiny, insignificant hamlet on the north Kent rivieira.
GRANT, THE HON HELEN
MP for Maidstone & The Weald who declared herself a Manchester United supporter in a bid to enhance her appeal
to the widest possible demographic in the County Town.
Substance, the illusion of which on a playing surface, is enough to ensure entrance to the EFL.
HARWOOD, CLLR TONY
Envirotastic local councillor who likes to look very serious indeed in Liberal Democrat election material and makes weekly appearances in the Kent Messenger looking deep, sensitive and - hey - just a little bit dangerous.
HEIST AT HARTSDOWN, THE
Reference to 1-0 defeat at Margate in the 2014-15 season when The Big Brit had an equaliser ruled out for offside despite being played on by up to half a dozen opponents.
HINDLE, CLLR JEREMY
Bemulleted and permed Mayor of Maidstone who stood on the steps of the Town Hall in 1989 and promised the council would do "what's right
and proper for" Maidstone United. By which he meant "ensure you won't return home for another 23 years". Consummate bullshit muncher.
Renaissance man who co-managed Maidstone United to successive titles in the mid 2000s. His notable bon mots included, when sledged about his weight: "I'm not fat, I'm rich, you twat," and "Ryaaaaaan!!!! Yooooo c*******************!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Citizen of the 'Stone who frequently uses the expression "I'm Not A Racist But" before posting comments suggesting
refugees have faked their involvement in the Syrian war in order to jump a few places on the waiting list for a council flat on the
exclusive Singleton estate in Ashford, on the Kent Online facebook page.
"I'm thinking of moving house, is Allington
"It's ok, but quite a lot of IMNARBS live there."
Affectionate nickname for the (former) leader of Maidstone Borough Council, Chris Garland.
Jagger-lipped Tory supremo, who heroically led the fight against Eric Pickles' plans to turn the Borough into a giant car
Verb: (1) To miss a penalty
“Here comes Danny
Kedwell and … Oh, he's Kedwelled it! And Maidstone have been
(2) To fuck up on a gargantuan scale.
whoever gave planning permission for that Drive-thru McDonalds by the
one-way system couldn't have Kedwelled the town centre any better if
Town End's affectionate term for the opposition custodian.
Pontius Pilate's favourite website, complete with its racist-enabling, migrant-demonising, victim-blaming, traveller-hating social media platforms.
Footling, increasingly irrelevant satellite of Maidstone.
LOOSE WOMEN'S INSTITUTE JOKE, THE
Loose is a village-cum-suburb to the south of Maidstone, pronounced to rhyme with "ooze" but with an identical spelling to a word that means "slack" or "wanton". The settlement dates back to Saxon times and it was around 1000 years ago that the ale-addled brain of a toothless simpleton first came up with the "Loose women" joke.
This side-splitting piece of repartee has endured through the centuries and is still used today by PR reps, Meridian television presenters, and newspaper editors, all of whom believe they are cracking an epigram worthy of Shaw or Wilde when they say, during some horrific networking buffet at the Chequers Inn: "I wonder what they call the Women's Institute around here! Hahahahahaha!!!!!!!"
They will then expect you to reciprocate this laughter, or you risk being accused of having "no sense of humour".
Cultural hub of global importance and commercial mecca unrivalled within the EU.
MAIDSTONE EAST STATION
Transport hub that offers passers by free bicycle hire.
Simply turn up with bolt-cutters and borrow the cycle of your choice
on a long-term lease.
MAIDSTONE UNITED FOOTBALL CLUB
Greatest force for good in the known universe.
MAIL, THE DAILY
Paper given away to hundreds of patrons of Allington Waitrose and popular with people who "aren't" racists. (See IMNARB).
Device used to aid geographical location, unused by executives at BBC South East Today.
MERCURIAL FRENCHMAN, THE
Nickname for Maidstone's versatile gallic winger Alexandre Flisheur. Contrary to rumours that he is in fact a builder from Bearsted, Flisheur has brought a touch of continental flair to the team from his adopted home. Equally comfortable on either flank
and up front, Flisheur has reportedly attracted interest from higher level clubs and Gillingham.
Exclusive housing development off the Sutton Road.
Vast, sprawling area of land to the east of Maidstone Town Centre where the owners of Staffordshire Bull Terriers and other similar breeds allow their weapons, sorry pets, to roam without any restraints. When the aforementioned weapons then threaten other park users including small children said owners reply "it won't hurt you" or "it's just being friendly" and take umbrage when it is suggested they should "buy a fucking lead". Mecca for women with Croydon facelifts.
Cavernous public house in Maidstone High Street which, though horrific, forms a useful social function as a highly effective tosser-sponge, particularly in the evenings. Since 1995 the Muggleton has been a magnet for tossers and has thus freed up space for non-tossers in other, less hideous public houses.
Term coined to disparage anyone not present during the Kent County League Division 4 campaign of 1993-94.
Haven for depravity according to Allington-based dust relocation technician, Lorraine Otway.
Geographical expression, used to refer to area of England that lies to the north of Boxley.
Dust Relocation Technician from Allington who was incorrectly described as a "cleaner" by the Kent
Messenger Group and who quite reasonably asked them to print a correction.
PALACE OF SHAME, THE
Pseudonym for a fabled Maidstone night club, popular with 01634s, (see below) where raw meat can be purchased at
rock-bottom prices on a Friday and Saturday night.
Affectionate nickname at the Camp Nou for midfielder Andrés Iniesta, a midfielder with middling Spanish (no emails
please) club Barcelona. Coined because Andrés bears a passing resemblance to the more illustrious former Maidstone United lynchpin Michael Phillips.
PLAYER WHO WON'T SCORE GOALS,
Nickname for striker Jay May, who according to a number of keyboard experts, would not score goals this season.
Secretary of state who had the courage, charisma, vision and - goddamn it - the balls to sign the order to allow a certain
local business to flatten Barming Woods without even looking at the report.
UKIP candidate for Maidstone & The Weald at the 2015 general election. UKIP ... E. Powell ... readers are invited to contribute their own punchline. Eddie got tremendously upset when a "mindless idiot" ripped down one of his election posters from a fence near the Loose shopping parade. Once again, fill in your own punchline.
Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces.
Individual blamed by football supporters for single-handedly thwarting their club's otherwise inevitable rise from Kent Invicta League to Champions League.
Individual who drives the 100 yards from his front door to the nearest off-licence and complains "there's never anywhere to
2) Parent who drives child the 200 yards from front door to primary school gates and then struggles to
comprehend why aforementioned child weighs in at 15 stone.
Term used to describe six-pint keyboard warriors and inhabitants of the main stand who project their personal failings onto 17-year-old full-backs.
Term used to describe, variously, northern end of Scotsman Stand at the Athletic Ground, terracing at Watling Street and Bourne
Park and the average dwelling in Chatham.
Tattoo. Legally obliged to be worn by all professional and semi-professional footballers.
SOURCE BAR, THE
Maidstone night spot where a man recently dropped his trousers before defecating on the dancefloor.
No manners, but what a critic.
SOUTH EAST TODAY
Regional news programme which sees no hypocrisy in lecturing MPs on sexism while
enforcing a strict "no munters" policy in its weather department.
Organisation charged with running the train “service” between Maidstone and its satellites. Abused approximately once every 5 seconds on social media, rising to once every second during the rush hour. The business plan is simple. Keep
putting prices up, keep fucking passengers up the arse, keep “rewarding” shareholders and employ some poor 19-year-old on a
chimney sweep's salary to field all the abuse on twitter.
Term used by estate agents to describe Shepway, Mont Gravet, Park Wood and Senacre.
Remote island off the Dutch coast.
Small village to the south-west of Hadlow.
TOSSER-TO-NON-TOSSER RATIO - (aka "the ratio")
Algorithm used to determine the precise percentage of tossers in any given area, based on the premise that in any 200 people selected at random, there will be at least a dozen tossers. Thus, while there may be up to 50 tossers or more at any Maidstone
United home game, given that said game will be attended by around 1700 people, the tosser-to-non-tosser ratio at JWW remains very favourable compared to said ratio at eg (CENSORED).
Luxury residential area to south-west of Maidstone town centre.
Area to the south of the pitch at James Whatman Way, where classics such as "When I was just a little boy ..." and
"G-I-DOUBLE-L" can be heard.
Although Andy was born in the 'Stone we are unable to claim any real credit for his contribution to the cultural life of the nation as he was raised in South London and it was on the streets around Welling and Danson that he honed the laser-sharp patter that enlivens ITV's commentaries to this day.
Dog-owning psychopath who complains to the council about a public footpath being used by Maidstone Park Runners (aka thepublic).
Now redundant abbreviation for The Player Jim Parmenter Doesn't Want To Sign, aka Jack Parkinson. Uncle Jim was very upset when the Kent Messenger reported Dover were interested in taking our midfield/defensive virtuoso to "the"Crabble in the summer of 2014. One year later, they signed him! This time having asked for permission to talk to him. There is nosuggestion that they did not do this last summer, or that Uncle Jim had no idea his coaching staff had been tapping him up via social media.
Nickname given to headmaster of St Augustine's Academy, after the school built a fence to keep is neighbours out and successfully managed to get said neighbours to pay for it.
Ex-Vice-chairman and eminence grise of Ebbsfleet United football club. One of the finest brains working in non-league football today, a forward thinking, enlightened visionary.
Gentlemen who yells: "You should have gone to specsavers," at a referee every time in a contentious decision is given against Maidstone United and then looks around the Main Stand in the hope and expectation that those around him find this as funny as he does.
WALDERSLADE CASH CARD
Part of the female anatomy used to negotiate a discount from a taxi driver after a post-midnight trip from a Maidstone nightspot over Blue Bell Hill."I'm afraid I don't seem to have enough money on me. Would you accept a Walderslade cash card?" WATER Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces.
Culinary centre of Maidstone. Unofficial food quarter where members of the Maidstone United Academy can be seen observing the latest nutritional guidelines at KFC or McDonalds.
WEST COUNTRY, THE
Geographical expression, used to refer to area of England that lies to the west of Aylesford.
Maidstone-based landlord who was the victim of one of the most outrageous miscarriages of justice in living memory when a judge refused to believe his entirely plausible explanation that he was not putting fellow road users lives at risk by driving while using a mobile phone, but was in fact singing into a drinks carton. Recently convicted of assault after a row over a domestic applicance, Fergus was handed the most devastating punishment possible for a man of his enormous wealth - a fine of over one thousand pounds! - a sentence that should once and for all give the lie to the suggestion that the British judiciary is somehow biased in favour of the uber-rich. Fergus is one of the few landlords in Kent to have the courage needed to evict a tenant at risk of domestic violence.He is also reportedly interested in founding an association for high-flyers in Maidstone, although his tenants probably needn't apply.
WINTER, THE BRITISH
Concept misunderstood by opponents of 3G playing surfaces.
Term used to describe someone who lives in the Medway connurbation. Name derives from the phone code that is enough to wipe five-digits from the value of any property.
Bus that delivers "01634s" from the Medway Towns to the Society Rooms on a Friday night
Surface deemed unacceptable by Jurassic-era football administrators, but which makes up fifty percent of Renee Zellweger's face.