Yes ladies and gentlemen we've had to migrate the site, so welcome to our new home and our new look. Just as the club have Shipmanned what seems like half the playing staff, we've had to Pistorius our web design package for reasons that will bore the shit out of you if we go into them. (To surmise: it was Adobe being a BOC if you really must know.)
So here we are, back in amber, with something you might find easier to read on your phone or tablet. During the off season we'll be updating the site whenever we can be arsed, which probably won't be that often. In the past we've done occasional tributes to departing legends, but it'd take us a month to give a proper farewell to everyone who's left JWW in the week and a half since the season ended.
Some will be more missed than others (The Governor's departure was particularly hard to take), but our philosophy is this: departures are inevitable, unavoidable and almost always a cause for regret. If you wore the amber with pride, you're always welcome here and you'll be fondly remembered.
As a brief digression here: whenever a coach leaves it's common for the question to be asked: "what does he actually do?"
Some of you may remember an exceptionally short-lived publication called the Maidstone Adscene, when the lifelong Gillingham fan Peter Edwards (see the Maidstoneisaurus
) asked this very question of a man called Wayne Jones. Jones wasn't gesturing enough during matches for the liking of some of the Main Stand regulars at Priestfield. He wasn't shouting things like "seconds!" and "runners!" and he didn't have an Allardyce-style ear piece to make it look like he was doing something important. It wasn't long before Jones was on the Senator Bob Dole.
The average fan (and no one would accuse Edwards of being that)
finds it difficult to quantify a coach's output. An assistant manager doesn't pick the team and he doesn't play, so his performance can't be easily quantified in terms of results. The average fan doesn't know if the he's spent six hours on the road to scout the opposition, getting back at 2am. He doesn't know the miles driven, or the hours put in to find players as Peter Taylor did for Brian Clough. And so ladies and gentlemen, without knowing who said or did what, let's pause to acknowledge the part that Nicky Southall played in getting us from the seventh tier of English football to the fifth, and keeping us there. And wish him luck with whatever he does in the future.
The results of our comprehensive end of season questionswaire are in and you will no doubt be as astonished as we were by the findings.
We’ll go through them question by question in due course, but to surmise: you thought the season was worse than a 4 out of 10. You thought Boreham Wood were a “bunch of cunts.” And if you’re a buyer for Bostick, there’s a valuable commodity coming on the market very soon indeed.
On a scale of 0 to 10, with 0 being "absolute gash" and 10 being "fucking brilliant," how would you rate this season?
The average, was a distressingly low 3.86 out of 10. Three of you said six out ten, two of you said one and almost everyone else said three, four or five. It was, as a wise man once said: “one of them.”
What was you happiest memory of this season?
Beating Gillingham was the clear winner in this section, with the pleasure only enhanced by the way some of them reacted. Ok, so the lone invader who tried to cross the segregation line was clearly “a clitoris short of a full minge” but the way they reacted to their equaliser suggested they’d mistaken a Kent Senior Cup quarter-final for a Champions League tie.
The next most popular memory was the 4-2 win at Cheltenham (“fucking sceneage” said one of you and I think we all know what you meant) followed by the 3-1 win at Chester which ensured we’d stay up.
Stuart Lewis joining the fans at Orient and in the Elvis End when he was suspended was popular and one of you said: “Goochie getting chucked out Macclesfield.”
And what was your personal low point?
A rich and varied field here. Solihull away was the equivalent of Vietnam for many who were there. Even our most Panglossian (look it up)
supporters were left moaning “the horror, the horror” in the wake of a performance that was apparently even limper than the one Trump gave Stormy Daniels.
Losing 4-0 at home to Boreham Wood was bad, one fan thought it was all too much when Delano hit a corner falg with a shot and Tranmere at home was a personal low point, not helped by the fact I nearly got wiped out by a cunt in a white van driving through the tunnel to St Peter's Street.
One of you said: “When the ref gave us fuck all for Effiong bum raping the big wave. Just makes you laugh that we got nothing for it.”
Then there was: “my mate getting his finger broken by a stray ball in the warm up.”
Another said: “standing next to Dave U at the urinals and not being able to avert my gaze.”
What was the best ground you visited (with Maidstone) this season?
Tranmere, Wrexham, Aldershot and Cheltenham were all nominated at least once. There was one mention of Maidenhead because of “the trains”. The surgical, corporate Milton Keynes got a few mentions, although as Gerry Rafferty observed: “It’s got no soul.”
And the worst?
Gravesend got several mentions. Dagenham’s staggering £21 entrance fee was a classic cockney rip off. One of you said: “Being told I would be denied admission to Bromley if I refused to be frisked. Given the lack of signage specifying this, they were in the wrong. I'm 62 FFS!”
However, the overwhelming winner was, inevitably, the Chateau du Hunter: Boreham Wood.